And Slappy Was His Name-O

I have just experienced an exciting breakthrough in the communication between the conscious and the subconscious. I truly expect a team of medical experts to break through my door at any minute to study me.

I have never understood the theory that you can wake up in the middle of your sleep and write down a dream or great idea. Supposedly this is a practice taken on by writers, comedians, songwriters and bookies. Any practical person must know this could never work - especially if one is married.

For one, I have the memory of a tse-tse fly and for two, my eyesight takes five minutes to wake up just so I can find the bathroom. If I were to follow the above mentioned theory I would need to sit up in bed and start writing in approximately .0000235 seconds to remember what the hell I was thinking.

Let's just go over the steps necessary for this theory to work.

Brilliant idea, punch line, passage of notes, whatever

Sit up quickly (bad back)

Find the lamp (I have a touch lamp on my bed stand so this one isn't so hard)

Reach for my glasses (I routinely knock them to the floor and start cursing)

By now either the lamp, the sound of glasses hitting the floor or my cursing wakes my husband.

"What are you doing?"

"Ssshh. I have a brilliant idea and I need to... Did you notice a pad of paper and pencil on my bedstand??

"Oh yeah. I used it to write down the measurements of the closet"

"You measured the closet?"

"Um, yeah"

"May I ask why?"

"It's a surprise."

"You measured the closet for a surprise??" (Wondering if it was for the noose he was going to use to feign my suicide after continually waking him up at 3 am looking for a pad and pencil)

As you can imagine, by now you would have no clue why or what started the entire chain of events.

There is also the other case scenario featured in the Seinfeld episode where Jerry and George go to Los Angeles for Jerry's appearance on Leno. He writes down the perfect wording for three jokes and then a Puerto Rican maid cleans the room and throws the piece of paper away.

Whether it is an inquisitive mate or a Puerto Rican maid, this theory is destined for failure.

This is where my breakthrough comes in. I swear it is true and I don't even know how I did it!

Apparently I had a thought/dream my subconscious KNEW I wouldn't want to forget. All through this past night when I had those little moments of consciousness my subconsciousness whispered - don't forget this. You will want to write about this.

So here goes! The fruits of my wonderful breakthrough. I will now share with you what my subconscious deemed so vitally important that it would not allow my conscious to forget!!

There was a tree called Slappy. The other trees called him that because of the spastic way he moved in the wind.

I hope to hell this breakthrough works better in the future.