Give Me Puberty Or Give Me Death
Give Me Puberty Or Give Me Death
"We saw the most terrible movie in the world at school today! It was awful! It was disgusting! I NEVER want to see anything like that again!!!"
Not being one to keep up with backpack announcements, I was completely blind-sided when my son made his daily "check-in" call to me at work.
What on earth was the movie about?" I asked.
"PUBERTY!"
We parents recognize such moments as bad times to laugh.
The times, they are a changin'. Our wonderfully naive 11- year -old son has recently learned about sex compliments of the public education system.
I asked him to fill me in on all of the details when I arrived home that evening. He met me as I was coming up the stairs. By this time my husband, LB, was home and standing in the background smiling.
"Well?"
Matt handed me a booklet and ordered me NOT to look at page six. Then he proceeded to tell me that he had seen a naked woman.
"She wasn't real but she was naked. She was a cartoon and naked."
He was either describing an illustration or the school used a naked Jessica Rabbit to teach these kids about female anatomy.
I listened closely as I thumbed through the booklet to page six. Page six contained a side-cut diagram of a penis.
"I TOLD you not to look at page six!" Matt screamed as he jerked the booklet out of my hand and ran upstairs to his room.
I turned to LB. "Do you know any more about the movie?"
"No, I am pretty sure everything before and after the naked woman is a complete blur."
Matt came back down from his room and handed me a travel-size Old Spice deodorant. "They gave me this for my puberty."
Is that like "They gave me these pills for my infection?" Cool. Could this be a magic deodorant?
"If we rub this all over you will you skip puberty?"
"No!"
(Darn it.) "Just checking."
Luck would have it that I was scheduled to meet with my son's fifth grade teacher, Mr. Rhubarb, for a parent-teacher's conference.
I recounted the "puberty" reaction, and Mr. Rhubarb chuckled. "Just wait until he sees the sex education film, Wonder of Wonders. They're scheduled to see it by the end of the month."
Puberty was suddenly the least of my worries. Reading my concerned expression he added, "You can opt for him to sit out. Seeing the movie isn't required."
But in my heart I knew it was best. I firmly believe children should be educated accurately rather than learn from the misconstrued understandings of their peers. Still, my little boy was about to have a new world opened up to him. What would be his reaction? Would he be embarrassed? Excited? Would he turn into some sort of sex fiend with this new information? More likely, my sex life was about to come to a screeching halt. The child already counsels us when he feels our embraces last too long.
"You know, after he sees this movie we'll have to start sleeping in separate beds," I teased my husband. "We might as well go down to the mattress store and pick out our Rob and Laura Petrie bedroom set."
I started watching his backpack closely awaiting the announcement of the upcoming event. Wonder of Wonders, or W.O.W. as the Department of Education likes to call it, was just a few short weeks away.
Apprehension dictated the fateful day of the "viewing". I watched the clock closely, awaiting the phone call that would reveal my son's reaction to his newly found knowledge. At 3:15, on the nose, my cell phone announced that my waiting was over.
"I know," my son stated calmly.
"You know?"
"I know where babies come from. I saw it all. I know."
"How do you feel?"
"Some of the kids started laughing, you know, when the teacher explained how the sperm swims to the ovum to make a baby," my young biologist explained. "I didn't laugh. I wanted to puke, but I couldn't, because I just felt empty inside."
Okay. So now he understands the mechanics. He isn't happy about it but at least he knows. Now it is up to us, his parents, to guide him through the rest.
A few days later I gathered up the courage to open the discussion again.
"You know, Matt, a lot of your friends will be talking about sex now. Some of them may experiment. They may try to tell you it's cool or fun or that it feels good. I don't want you to be intimidated into trying things you don't feel comfortable about."
"Fun???? FUN????? I saw how a man and a woman make a new human being. It's NOT fun. I don't even want to do that when I grow up!"
I shared the conversation with my husband that night as we slid under the covers of our full size bed. "Do you think we can get that in writing?" LB pondered.
Our attorney says the contract is almost complete.
If that fails we always have the magic deodorant.
Copyright Victoria Bush 2004
"We saw the most terrible movie in the world at school today! It was awful! It was disgusting! I NEVER want to see anything like that again!!!"
Not being one to keep up with backpack announcements, I was completely blind-sided when my son made his daily "check-in" call to me at work.
What on earth was the movie about?" I asked.
"PUBERTY!"
We parents recognize such moments as bad times to laugh.
The times, they are a changin'. Our wonderfully naive 11- year -old son has recently learned about sex compliments of the public education system.
I asked him to fill me in on all of the details when I arrived home that evening. He met me as I was coming up the stairs. By this time my husband, LB, was home and standing in the background smiling.
"Well?"
Matt handed me a booklet and ordered me NOT to look at page six. Then he proceeded to tell me that he had seen a naked woman.
"She wasn't real but she was naked. She was a cartoon and naked."
He was either describing an illustration or the school used a naked Jessica Rabbit to teach these kids about female anatomy.
I listened closely as I thumbed through the booklet to page six. Page six contained a side-cut diagram of a penis.
"I TOLD you not to look at page six!" Matt screamed as he jerked the booklet out of my hand and ran upstairs to his room.
I turned to LB. "Do you know any more about the movie?"
"No, I am pretty sure everything before and after the naked woman is a complete blur."
Matt came back down from his room and handed me a travel-size Old Spice deodorant. "They gave me this for my puberty."
Is that like "They gave me these pills for my infection?" Cool. Could this be a magic deodorant?
"If we rub this all over you will you skip puberty?"
"No!"
(Darn it.) "Just checking."
Luck would have it that I was scheduled to meet with my son's fifth grade teacher, Mr. Rhubarb, for a parent-teacher's conference.
I recounted the "puberty" reaction, and Mr. Rhubarb chuckled. "Just wait until he sees the sex education film, Wonder of Wonders. They're scheduled to see it by the end of the month."
Puberty was suddenly the least of my worries. Reading my concerned expression he added, "You can opt for him to sit out. Seeing the movie isn't required."
But in my heart I knew it was best. I firmly believe children should be educated accurately rather than learn from the misconstrued understandings of their peers. Still, my little boy was about to have a new world opened up to him. What would be his reaction? Would he be embarrassed? Excited? Would he turn into some sort of sex fiend with this new information? More likely, my sex life was about to come to a screeching halt. The child already counsels us when he feels our embraces last too long.
"You know, after he sees this movie we'll have to start sleeping in separate beds," I teased my husband. "We might as well go down to the mattress store and pick out our Rob and Laura Petrie bedroom set."
I started watching his backpack closely awaiting the announcement of the upcoming event. Wonder of Wonders, or W.O.W. as the Department of Education likes to call it, was just a few short weeks away.
Apprehension dictated the fateful day of the "viewing". I watched the clock closely, awaiting the phone call that would reveal my son's reaction to his newly found knowledge. At 3:15, on the nose, my cell phone announced that my waiting was over.
"I know," my son stated calmly.
"You know?"
"I know where babies come from. I saw it all. I know."
"How do you feel?"
"Some of the kids started laughing, you know, when the teacher explained how the sperm swims to the ovum to make a baby," my young biologist explained. "I didn't laugh. I wanted to puke, but I couldn't, because I just felt empty inside."
Okay. So now he understands the mechanics. He isn't happy about it but at least he knows. Now it is up to us, his parents, to guide him through the rest.
A few days later I gathered up the courage to open the discussion again.
"You know, Matt, a lot of your friends will be talking about sex now. Some of them may experiment. They may try to tell you it's cool or fun or that it feels good. I don't want you to be intimidated into trying things you don't feel comfortable about."
"Fun???? FUN????? I saw how a man and a woman make a new human being. It's NOT fun. I don't even want to do that when I grow up!"
I shared the conversation with my husband that night as we slid under the covers of our full size bed. "Do you think we can get that in writing?" LB pondered.
Our attorney says the contract is almost complete.
If that fails we always have the magic deodorant.
Copyright Victoria Bush 2004
posted by Victoria at 1:16 PM
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