Greetings from Planet Derriere
Protest signs, banners, and letters to my congressman were all for naught. Well, perhaps not. My campaign, my cause, the bane of my existence may finally be settled thanks to an ingenious individual in Amsterdam.
Until recently I could avoid my nemesis. I took care of business at home as often as possible. Only under dire circumstances would I allow myself to face the enemy. But in the past few weeks it has been necessary for me to travel by car through several states. The war was on and I was losing. What am I referring to?
Toilet seats should be removed from women’s public restrooms. As a woman it may seem strange to have such an ambition. Women have notoriously complained about men leaving the toilet seat up since the device was invented by Sir John Harington in 1596. They exclaim that it is insensitive of men to ignore their delicate restroom seating needs and leave them to plop their bums in a bowl of cold water in the middle of the night. Keep in mind this occurs because 1) they were too stupid to turn on the light before they sit down 2) they are apparently amnesia tic that they live in a house with a male who MUST raise the seat to go and 3) he has already left the toilet seat up in the middle of the night 25,612 times before. Of course, it never occurs to a woman to raise the seat after use to in consideration for the man in their life. But I digress…
Have I turned my back on my fellow females by starting this crusade?
No, I have seen their true nature. When away from home some women make their neatsy-weatsy little restroom habits disappear faster than their husband’s credit cards at the mall. When it comes to public restrooms some behave like a feral cat rebelling against a litter box. I recognize that public restrooms aren’t the most appealing place for anyone to go but, please, do they have to make it worse?
Apparently when these women enter a public restroom stall they assume the crane posture from the Karate Kid and hover above the toilet seat as if their bums were lily white UFO’s from the planet Derriere attempting to capture the ENTIRE toilet planet with their spray. A hostile Derrierian leaves her spray in tact (much like a animal trying to mark its territory even though it has no intention of ever returning) requiring the next visitor to clean up after them. When you are left to clean up someone else’s spray with only the toilet paper in a public stall do you want to sit down after the seat has finally dried? No. So what do you do? You turn into yet another visitor from the planet Derriere. Even if the toilet “appears” clean you know about the Derrierians so you turn in to one anyway, wipe the seat afterward and still create the illusion of a clean but in reality tainted seat. Hence the cycle is constantly repeated.
What is my solution? Remove the toilet seats from public restrooms! No one is actually sitting down on them in the first place. Why continue the farce?
At least that was my solution until I read a recent news article. The citizens of Amsterdam now have talking toilet seats that remind them of proper hygiene!
The article explains that the creator, Leonard van Munster, “sees the project as an artistic venture but will build more if the demand arises.”
So far Leo’s toilet has dispensed out sage advice such as, “You might consider sitting down next time.” The next user was informed, “The last visitor did not take heed of basic rules of hygiene.” Apparently its sensors are so keen that it will also suggest you wash your hands afterwards or lift the seat.
Leonard van Munster, the demand has arisen!
I personally am ready to see these talking toilet seats installed in every public restroom across the United States! It could aid in hygiene AND stopping wastefulness, “Excuse me. You really only needed four squares of toilet paper and you used 43.”
Of course, with my luck the talking toilets would soon develop an attitude, “Geez, how many burritos did you eat?? Ever hear of a courtesy flush??” Eventually someone would be pushed too far by the ceramic sage.
Police were called at 8:45 pm to the 7-11 on East Washington Ave after a 32-year old woman, Twila Jo Johnson, attacked a public restroom fixture with a sledge hammer. It took four officers to restrain Miss Johnson. When asked what triggered the attack Miss Johnson screamed, “That @#$!*$(# toilet said it has seen smaller butts on an elephant!”
Yes, I can see the headline now: “Woman Beats the Crap Out Of Talking Toilet”
© 2004 Victornado
Protest signs, banners, and letters to my congressman were all for naught. Well, perhaps not. My campaign, my cause, the bane of my existence may finally be settled thanks to an ingenious individual in Amsterdam.
Until recently I could avoid my nemesis. I took care of business at home as often as possible. Only under dire circumstances would I allow myself to face the enemy. But in the past few weeks it has been necessary for me to travel by car through several states. The war was on and I was losing. What am I referring to?
Toilet seats should be removed from women’s public restrooms. As a woman it may seem strange to have such an ambition. Women have notoriously complained about men leaving the toilet seat up since the device was invented by Sir John Harington in 1596. They exclaim that it is insensitive of men to ignore their delicate restroom seating needs and leave them to plop their bums in a bowl of cold water in the middle of the night. Keep in mind this occurs because 1) they were too stupid to turn on the light before they sit down 2) they are apparently amnesia tic that they live in a house with a male who MUST raise the seat to go and 3) he has already left the toilet seat up in the middle of the night 25,612 times before. Of course, it never occurs to a woman to raise the seat after use to in consideration for the man in their life. But I digress…
Have I turned my back on my fellow females by starting this crusade?
No, I have seen their true nature. When away from home some women make their neatsy-weatsy little restroom habits disappear faster than their husband’s credit cards at the mall. When it comes to public restrooms some behave like a feral cat rebelling against a litter box. I recognize that public restrooms aren’t the most appealing place for anyone to go but, please, do they have to make it worse?
Apparently when these women enter a public restroom stall they assume the crane posture from the Karate Kid and hover above the toilet seat as if their bums were lily white UFO’s from the planet Derriere attempting to capture the ENTIRE toilet planet with their spray. A hostile Derrierian leaves her spray in tact (much like a animal trying to mark its territory even though it has no intention of ever returning) requiring the next visitor to clean up after them. When you are left to clean up someone else’s spray with only the toilet paper in a public stall do you want to sit down after the seat has finally dried? No. So what do you do? You turn into yet another visitor from the planet Derriere. Even if the toilet “appears” clean you know about the Derrierians so you turn in to one anyway, wipe the seat afterward and still create the illusion of a clean but in reality tainted seat. Hence the cycle is constantly repeated.
What is my solution? Remove the toilet seats from public restrooms! No one is actually sitting down on them in the first place. Why continue the farce?
At least that was my solution until I read a recent news article. The citizens of Amsterdam now have talking toilet seats that remind them of proper hygiene!
The article explains that the creator, Leonard van Munster, “sees the project as an artistic venture but will build more if the demand arises.”
So far Leo’s toilet has dispensed out sage advice such as, “You might consider sitting down next time.” The next user was informed, “The last visitor did not take heed of basic rules of hygiene.” Apparently its sensors are so keen that it will also suggest you wash your hands afterwards or lift the seat.
Leonard van Munster, the demand has arisen!
I personally am ready to see these talking toilet seats installed in every public restroom across the United States! It could aid in hygiene AND stopping wastefulness, “Excuse me. You really only needed four squares of toilet paper and you used 43.”
Of course, with my luck the talking toilets would soon develop an attitude, “Geez, how many burritos did you eat?? Ever hear of a courtesy flush??” Eventually someone would be pushed too far by the ceramic sage.
Police were called at 8:45 pm to the 7-11 on East Washington Ave after a 32-year old woman, Twila Jo Johnson, attacked a public restroom fixture with a sledge hammer. It took four officers to restrain Miss Johnson. When asked what triggered the attack Miss Johnson screamed, “That @#$!*$(# toilet said it has seen smaller butts on an elephant!”
Yes, I can see the headline now: “Woman Beats the Crap Out Of Talking Toilet”
© 2004 Victornado
posted by Victoria at 1:00 PM
3 comments
